Abby’s Motherhood Story | Love, Loss, and Hope
“Taylor and I met in 2013 in the police academy. Not the most glamorous of places.
Unflattering khaki uniforms, no makeup, lots of physical training and sweating.
Somehow, through all of that, Taylor and I became fast friends and it grew into a relationship. Each and every morning in our PT gear, Taylor would tell me how beautiful he thought I was. We often talked of our future which included marriage and children.
We got engaged in 2016 and married in 2017. Taylor had been asking if we could have babies since 2015 but I insisted we wait until after the wedding and honeymoon. He was very eager to become a father! So the time came where we decided to start trying and first try, we got pregnant.
Knowing how common miscarriage was, I was reluctant to tell anyone until we were in the “green zone” after 12 weeks. We never made it there. I felt cramping and thought the pregnancy might be ectopic so I went to get checked out. The ER doctor said I was a week behind what I should have been, and there was only an amniotic sac. She said everything was probably fine, but to follow up with my OB because I had probably gotten my dates wrong.
I knew I hadn’t.
I knew right then that this was not going to be the baby we had waited years to conceive. I cried every day and night for 9 days until my “viability scan”. What an awful name for an ultrasound that holds your happiness in its hands.
They don’t show you the screen, so I told my husband what to look for. “If you see a big empty sac, that’s bad.”
The ultrasound tech tried to be compassionate and let an “I’m sorry” slip. Our worst fear confirmed, the pregnancy was not viable.
After waiting to see if what should have been our first baby would pass on its own, we had to have a procedure to help it along. The doctor, our families, our close friends… everyone assured us that this is so common. One in four actually. Not exactly a consolation.
Everyone tries to be compassionate but nothing said can make your pain easier. “You can try again!” “It happens all the time!” And the dreaded, “everything happens for a reason!” What, I thought, could be the “reason” my baby couldn’t live? It seemed that everyone around me was pregnant or having their babies and we were in the worst emotional turmoil of our lives.
I spoke with other mommas who lost their little ones and found comfort there.
The time finally came for us to try again, and we gave it another shot.
We became pregnant again and were very, very cautiously optimistic. Every cramp, pain, and phantom feeling brought me right back to that ultrasound room. But week by week and month by month our baby grew.
I had heard the term Rainbow Baby before from other moms who lost. It takes on a whole new meaning when your own little rainbow is on its way!
On February 13, 2019 we welcomed our little Rainbow Baby, Logan Bradford. He is every bit the rainbow after the storm.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of the baby that could have been, but without the loss we had, I’m not sure this taste of parenthood would ever be as sweet.
He is worth every pound, stretch mark, blood test, and irrational fear and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
The journey to motherhood was not the smooth straight path I thought it would be, but I wouldn’t give up Logan for anything in the world. Whether your family comes naturally, through IVF, or adoption… where there is love, there will be family.
For all the hopeful mommas out there, just know this: you are not alone.
Reach out, there are many hands for you to hold. “